The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
