I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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