pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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