Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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