There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just found a bag of teeth...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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