They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
