come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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