She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
