we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
