Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
