hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
