I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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