I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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