I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
