The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
