I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
