Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I supernannyed him into submission
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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