On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
