Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize