ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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