I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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