O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
