That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
