you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
