I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
NoShamevember. You game?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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