The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
