the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
