Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
