I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
