I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
