I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize