I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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