i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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