we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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