Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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