my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
