where am i from again
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
