I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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