a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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