did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
