There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
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