Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
