There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
love makes seman taste better
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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