In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
