I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
