Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
