I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
