I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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