that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
