I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
