Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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