You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
