Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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