My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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