remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize