he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
