I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
