his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
