Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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