I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
