my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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