wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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