he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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