u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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