Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize