im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
