I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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