I cockslap morals
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
