As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
