Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
