Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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