stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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